Bustin' Guarini

Overall Album Score: 4.7 out of 10

As you'd expect, this is a clueless album that was obviously designed as a ploy to rob kids out of their parents' hard-earned money. I'd say: Don't waste your time with it. ... Oh dear, why can't I take my own advice?

I can think of three album covers off the top of my head in which the depicted artist appears to be desperately trying to enact a bowel movement. All three of them have been debut albums, and all three of them have been awful. There was Marc Anthony's Otra Nota, Melissa Etheridge and now there's Justin Guarini. I think this sends a message out to young musicians all around the world: Don't look like you're taking a dump on your first album cover. It'll mean your music sucks. Of course, judging from the history of this album, it was probably going to suck anyway.

As you might or might not know, Guarini was runner-up on the first season of American Idol. He came in second to Kelly Clarkson. Shockingly, the Clarkson album is somewhat decent! Someone might have made a mistake, but that album's mildly enjoyable to me. Unfortunately, this loser wouldn't be given the same treatment. Like good old capitalism would have it, they give Clarkson the nice songs and the competent producer and this guy people who shouldn't even be making minimum wage.

If you wanna hear the nadir of pop music, you needn't look further than "If You Wanna." I've heard a lot of bad songs in my day, but that's so bad that it would probably even upset Justin Timberlake. Satan couldn't have written anything more annoying and trashy than that vile piece of vomit. (Jeez, I feel like I listen to horrible pop music for the same reason that kid in Harold and Maude liked going to funerals.)

That said, there are a few nice moments here. "Unchained Melody" is a cover of an overplayed song, and it's poorly produced, but not even those idiots could screw up a pretty song like that. Another highlight is the finale, a duet with Clarkson. That song manages to extend beyond the crappy production and actually work. I also thought "Condition of My Heart" had a little bit of merit --- but that could be because I no longer have brain cells.

I do like Guarini's voice, however. It's has OK range and nice body. It's definitely good compared to that hack who would get first runner-up the next year. (Gosh, if you think Guarini's bad...) Guarini does have a difficult time expressing soul in his voice, but that might just be because the producer doesn't know anything.

Overall Album Score: 4.7 out of 10 (Geez... I guess the good news is that I've heard worse.)

Average Song Score: 5.5 (There are three perfectly listenable songs in this album. Look at me stay positive!)

Album Tilt: 4.5 (Demoted for containing the ultimate nadir of pop music, which basically sucked me into a black hole. I don't recover from an album-listening experience after that.)

Artist Rating: 4.0 (Maybe this is some sort of anti-art that I'm not getting.)

Track Reviews

One Heart Too Many 6.5/10

This is a boringly overproduced track that seems to do poor Justin Guarini a disservice. That Spanish guitar calls for that scene in Animal House in which John Belushi smashes that instrument. Oh, the other instrumentals are completely worthless anyway. The best thing we could hope for is a catchy melody and a vocal performance from this apparently good singer. Well, I do like his voice, but the melody is so-so. This is just an averagely bad pop tune. The lyrics sound like they were written by a self-important 13-year-old.

I Saw Your Face 5/10

Yeesh ... This funk ballad might have been alright IF IT DIDN'T SUCK!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!!! In more constructive terms, this is another example of a song that's overproduced to the core. The instrumentation is just boring and paint-by-numbers. There's a few melodic hooks, but they're few and far between. If this singer was so great, they wouldn't have needed to use these annoying vocal effects. The moment where Guarini starts talking in the sexy voice is when I get the feeling this guy already slipped into self-parody.

Be a Heartbreaker 4/10

I really am trying to not explode here, but it's hard when they throw in a song like this, which is so ill-conceived it's almost hilarious. Well, it's definitely sad anyway. The instrumentation continues to sound like their session musicians were robots. The layered whispering throughout the track are absolutely, mind-bogglingly stupid... Why would they do that? It contributes nothing but this ugly clutter. And that whistle synth they use ... it's giving me nausea. Back to the drawing board wit' cha!

Unchained Melody 8.5/10

I just listened to an excellent version of this recorded by Al Green. For some reason, even though this song is so simple, the whole world doesn't seem to get sick of it. It's not my kind of song, but I admit that it's quite pretty. Guarini's version is a soulless pebble in comparison, but at the very least he doesn't do much to screw it up. The instrumentation already sounds dated, but everything else seems done right. At least I get to listen to Guarini's voice unaffected by the crass obnoxiousness that plagued the previous tracks, which I do heartily think is a good voice.

Sorry 1/10

Oh my freaking crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. After that pretty song, they begin a groove more obnoxious than anything I remember even hearing in Madonna's dismal crapperpiece American Life. The songwriters apparently try to apologize with the song-title, but that doesn't cut it, buddy. Imagine if I was hitting you in the face with a glove and apologizing about it at the same time. That guitar in the middle of this track does absolutely nothing ... it's so incredibly stupid ....... Who the heck was in charge of this?

How Will You Know 7/10

I almost think this is a great song, but I'm half-wondering if that previous track didn't completely numb my mind! The instrumentals aren't too imaginitive but they seem to be more or less constructive toward the whole effort. But the one thing that makes this a good song is the melody, which *gasp* is actually catchy and nice. The downfall is that it gets more annoying in the second half when Guarini attempts to get more "soulful." There's no point in even trying. Don't listen to the lyrics, though. They're poison. I'm serious.

Inner Child 6.5/10

This is an overproduced and annoying pop-tune. For the first 20 seconds it sounded like this might be enjoyable, but they screw everything up by making it obnoxious. The melody was worth a few hooks, but the producer was too inept to make it work. ... But what do I know? He/she is probably very rich! That call and response bit in the middle is just embarassing. Yuck. That sort of thing would pass for a high school talent show, and even then it'd be annoying.

Condition of My Heart 8/10

This isn't the worst thing I heard. In fact, it's mostly passable. It's a shame the instrumentals have to be like that, but through all the muck we get a pretty nice melody and an entirely decent vocal performance. This Guarini has a capable voice, but he's trying a bit too hard to make it sound frilly. Some mood build-ups throughout almost seem like somebody --- somewhere --- somehow --- knew what they were doing.

Doin' Things (We're Supposed to Do) 6/10

3&#*@. Justin Guarini is banned from performing funk music for life. Go to jail, and do not collect $200. Apparently, these songwriters think the only thing there is to that genre is annoying grooves. I honestly don't think this is quite as crappy as some of the earlier funk tunes, but I'm so sick of these soulless poor excuses that I'm about to beat myself up. If I didn't listen to that Al Green track just recently, these songs might have made me give up on the whole bloody genre.

If You Wanna 0minus/10

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhh!!!! Am I in Hell? If I'm not, I'm inches away. If this isn't the nadir of pop music, then Madonna is a good songwriter. And Kiss is a great rock band. And Meat Loaf doesn't need to go on a diet. The groove is so stupid ... it's not really even a groove ... it's just a bunch of random noises and an irregular beat... Absolutely unlistenable. The sad thing is, this is such an involved track that these guys probably actually thought they were doing something good. I'd better not make fun of them --- it would seem too cruel.

Thinking of You 7/10

I get the feeling they only write tracks as inherently stupid as "If You Wanna" is to make their STUPID ballads like this sound good. Well it works. It has, what we music "novices" would identify as a "melody." Plus, it has instrumentation that can be called "not idiotic." Oh I hate this song, but I'm so deranged right now that I'm smiling and I can't stop.

Get Here 5/10

Oh god, this is so boring... At least it's not driving me nuts, but it's just another one of those dime-a-dozen banal ballads that give music a bad name. Do you see what this album is doing to me? It's making me lose my faith in music!

Timeless 8.5/10

I guess just to prove that he didn't have any hard feelings toward Kelly Clarkson, he did a duet with her here. Well, just to prove to me that there is a God in heaven, this is actually a pretty good song. It manages to soar to pretty grand heights! It nice to share the spotlight with her one of the more melodically well-written tracks. The production is awful, but the two dueting vocals sound very nice. I'd even say "inspired." I do like Clarkson's voice, and she makes a nice, solid contrast to Guarini's solid vocal presence.

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