JERRY SEINFELD REVIEWS:
Jerry Seinfeld Live: Wichita, Kansas (Dec. 9, 2004)Strange and awesome things were afoot in Wichita Freaking, Kan. this December. In the desolate wasteland of Middle America, our city of laid-off Boeing employees and haughty movie theatergoers; where insanity lies so deeply rooted within its people that we've forgotten that Snackwell cookies are supposed to be ingested; a place so isolated from normal civilization that we rarely believe that there is anything outside of our city limits apart from endless cow pastures and wheat fields. Our only foray into the outside world is our magical TV boxes, which we watch for hours upon day. (Apart from tormenting movie theater employees and getting really fat at restaurants, there's nothing for a poor Wichitan to do.) Nevertheless, we had our doubts that the events and people presented on television were truly real. I personally even hadn't previously thought that the hours upon hours I spend watching Seinfeld on TV was real. It was something that I totally made up in my head. I used to think that my television set doesn't even get electricity. (And I was also beginning to strongly suspect that electricity was a lie.) Therefore, I used to think there was no such thing as Jerry Seinfeld. How could there be? However, unless a doctor comes and tells me that I am schizophrenic (and as long as this "doctor" isn't a figment of my imagination), I totally saw this Jerry Seinfeld person in Wichita, Kan., Middle of Nowhere, Backwoods, In a Lake, USA.
I don't even think that it was just somebody who happens to look like this apparently real Jerry Seinfeld. I was pretty close to him, and I could make out his facial features. Yes ... the imaginary person I saw on the television set was real. Totally an unabashedly and completely and utterly and unalterely and ungireogirmylrtey real. He's not made up!
There was another fictional (I thought) New York (a place that might truly exist) person (and people exist, too, apparently) who visited Noplace, U.S.A. ... just a week before Jerry Seinfeld visited. FREAKING RUDY GUILINIANIGIII! (Oh, dear. I should figure out how to spell that guy's name.) ... I'm wondering ... are New Yorkers migrating here? Did the word of our insanity manage to get out? Can I expect to see Joan Rivers sometime soon doing a red carpet thing at city hall? ... I promise all you New Yorkers, you don't want to move to Wichita, Kansas. All we do is watch television, harass part-time minimum wage movie theater employees, and get fat. ... Then again, it does have its advantages .......................
Oh, I probably should mention sometime that I saw this Jerry guy doing a stand-up comedy show. I have no idea what he was doing in Wichita (but, if I'm actually a schizophrenic, then I guess he would have to be in Wichita ... hmmmm ...). I mean, it's just so absolutely and completely, unexpectedly bizarre that he would come here. (Oh crap ... maybe I should visit the doctor.) I mean, NOBODY comes here. Bob Dylan came here last September, but I would actually believe THAT. We're hayseeds! ... Yet, there he was. Jerry Seinfeld. And I couldn't believe it. The people of Wichita must have deserved this. All those years we spent doing nothing finally paid off. And we were being rewarded. By the guy from the show about nothing. It must have been now, in Dec. 2004, when we finally paid our dues. Especially, me, because I'm a minimum wage theater employee. And everybody who goes to this movie theater is fat. And I watch a lot of television. And Seinfeld. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot.
And ... Jerry Seinfeld himself couldn't believe that he was in Wichita, either. He said so. ... And ... uhhhh ... and I saw him on stage and he ... uhhhhhhhhh ... said a lot jokes. And they were FUNNY! And I LAUGHED! Hah HAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Do you like the way I am stalling? ... I really have no idea how to write a review of a stand-up comedy routine. It's not like my David Bowie concert reviews where I can tell you how awesome he was singing some of my favorite songs EVER. Jerry Seinfeld doesn't sing songs, dang it. ... he tells jokes. And he doesn't put these jokes on studio-produced CD's for me to listen to ...... not that I would even want to listen to them before going to see him live. Because I would already know all the punch lines!!!! ... And I don't listen to jokes over and over again the same way I listen to songs over and over again. CRAP! Where are the rock stars? ... Actually, I did hear some of these jokes before. I very recently rented Comedian on DVD with some Jerry Seinfeld footage, and he told some of the same jokes. (Although, the one about the necessity of telling someone to leave their name and number after the beep was still, perhaps, the funniest thing I heard from him that night. "Hello! This is a woman! Goodbye!")
CRAP! Writing a stand-up comedy review is hard! ... I don't even want to divulge any(more) of the jokes to you, because that would ruin it FOR YOU if your piece-of-poop town ever gets elevated to Jerry-Seinfeld-Was-Here status.
Oh man, Wichita's such a terrible place. Seinfeld said he only spent about three hours in the place, and he couldn't stand it! (Oh ... I suppose I could divulge some of his Wichita jabs ....... It's not like he's going to make Wichita jabs in Las Vegas, Nev. ... although, that would seriously be awesome.) He said, in his signature sarcastic tone, "I FINALLY MADE IT!" ... Uh huhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... and he also said "I've only been here three hours and I'm breathless!" ... and .......... "BOHIROGINRIONGOIRN!" (That last part I made up, I think.) At the end of his performance (in an encore ... which he didn't exactly let the audience go wild for him to come back out ... 'cause he was only in the side for like 20 seconds ........... I think he just wanted to get it over with ......... which I don't blame him for, of course.) He did a question and answer time! He started this off by saying something like "Let's just talk, you and me. Let's talk about Wichita ... how that happened..." Let's see ... first, somebody asked him to show his breast. His response to that was FUNNY, and I'm serious it brought me to TEARS. (He said something like ... "You must be depraved here in Wichita, Kansas. You go to these strip clubs and say 'It was just a woman in short hair and a business suit dancing around, and she didn't even take her clothes off!' ") ... Oh, those weren't even remotely the exact words, but ... And then somebody asked him about his influences. He sort of gave a serious answer to that, saying nobody really influenced him ... he just wanted to do it. Although, he said he likes Bill Cosby. Then, somebody asked him about if he would do another sitcom. He said "That question flatters me more than anything..." and then he let the audience cheer and clap for about a minute as if it would influence a "yes" answer. But he said "no." He's old. He's rich. And he's tired. ... Then he said something about Elmo on Sesame Street, and how he would rather sit on his butt and watch the funny red guy bust his hump for a change. ... And then someone asked him "Where's Mulva?" and he said "She's not here."
And that was it. Jerry Seinfeld was gone. He left the stage. Forever. And he left Wichita, too, I'd imagine. Forever. And Ever. Probably. Unless Joan Rivers comes to City Hall. (...If they ever catch the BTK Strangler, though, hmmm...) Oh crap! Could Jerry Seinfeld be the BTK Strangler???????!!?!????!!!!!?!??????? ............... Oh wait. No. That would be illogical. Kirkout.
I still haven't found out a good answer to this question: WHAT ON EARTH WAS HE DOING IN WICHITA???? ... I didn't even know he was going to be in Wichita until I saw that other New Yorker. I would have been totally oblivious of Jerry Seinfeld's visit if somebody hadn't given me a ticket to see Guingleingia and I hadn't seen the flashing sign up upon Century II (where it WAS) that announced that Jerry Seinfeld was going to be in town ... next week. And I probably was just in the right place in the right time to get this Guierlgimiaini ticket, because I was harassing people in the Student Government Association's office for various quotes for various newspaper articles I was variously working on.
In conclusion, I am not the Prince of Wales.
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