Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow 2005 Tour, Live in Kansas City Pretty Much Where the Buffalo Roam and the Freakshows Soar ... on April 30, 2005 ... Fifteen Days After Taxes Were Due ... Oops ...

Overall Concert Score: It was S*WEET*

Dagnabit, Sarah McLachlan sure is BORING!!!!!!

...Oh wait. I already forgot how I review concerts. Never get to the point until you've written a few pages worth of crap. Sorry. I'll start over.

Well, it was either going to be Elton John or Sarah McLachlan. They were both happening the same weekend in Kansas City. I have them both reviewed on my site (so going to a concert by either of them wouldn't have been out of the ordinary).

So I chose the Sarah McLachlan. Not that I particularly like her music better, but she's a freaking babe! Not like that Elton John guy whose flesh isn't even attached to his freaking bones anymore! ... Oh, wait. That's not true. Some of his flesh is still attached. He's marrying a dude. Did you know that? ... It's not like the girls really want him anymore, anyway ... if they ever did.

I bought a cheap seat for the concert, anyway. But it was still a nice seat. I was sitting in the nosebleed section, but, apart from when this sickeningly skinny girl was doing suggestive dances directly in front of me (I always get seated near the weirdoes, don't I?), I could see Sarah McHottie the whole time through. (Although, I had to keep telling myself to quit looking at the screen. Yeah, I can see her close-up, but .... I can watch her onscreen whenever he freaking heck I feel like it, so ... don't watch the screen!)

Okay, wait a second. Why am I still not dabbling in irrelevancies? This is the fifth concert review I've written, and this is the earliest I've ever gotten to the point in a review before. I'd better deviate now so that I don't totally lose my touch ... Don't worry, folks. I'll get back to the point pretty soon.

On my way up to Kansas City, I was planning on stopping in Olathe, Kan. at an alleged used CD store. I got the address from their Web site, I entered it in mapit.com, followed the directions TO THE LETTER and ... it was some guy's house. Not the CD store. ... I mean! Dude! And then soon after, I stopped at this British Petroleum convenience store and got gas (at $2.14 a gallon), went into use the bathroom, and ... THERE WAS NO HANDLE ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR!!!!! Ooooo!!! You'd think with all the extra profit this British Petroleum company is making out of us sorry Yanks with these freaking gas prices, they'd at least be able to donate their convenience stores handles for their freaking men's room doors. That was just ... grrr. I didn't even want to go inside the bathroom even if I managed to get the door opened, because I was afraid to find out what else was missing.

So, I really had to go to the bathroom, but I had to just hold it ... until I found someplace. About an hour and a half later.

While sitting uncomfortably in the driver's seat, I decided to go find this Kemper Arena where old Sarah McHottie was playing. Apparently, I totally became disenchanted with mapit.com and didn't follow the directions to the letter. And I ended up in some really weird shopping center. It said the parking was free on weekends, so I thought, why not? I drove in there and I saw an empty space that was labeled "Compact Car Only," and ... hey! I drive a "compact" car (it has no face-powder, but it has a really awesome mirror), and I thought why not? I parked there and walked in.

I thought it was some sort of kid's shopping center, because the first store I saw was a "Crayola store." But I soon noticed that there were a lot of other wonders to behold. Not just the shopping center (...dang the stores and restaurants were really crap, but that building was dang fancy ... and I think a 13-year-old girl was hitting on me, or something, because ... uhhh ... I don't even think I want to get into that one... Rich-kid 13-year-olds must be really bored...), but there were a lot of other buildings attached to it!

Yeah! There was a train-station/science center, which you could get to via a rather lengthy walkway that went over a STREET (and that was S-W-E-E-T). I went in there and took a map of Kansas City from the visitor's center (I thought, hey! I'm a visitor, and I'm lost. So why not?) and looked for Kemper Arena on there. I was way off. But at least I knew where I was. I had two-and-a-half hours to kill, anyway. So I decided to walk around the mall for a little longer. ... Do you know what was particularly weird about that place? It even had a fancy hotel hooked up to it. After wandering around for awhile, I was in a hotel lobby before I knew it. ... Actually, asking for a room crossed my mind, but ... heck, if I could really afford that, I'd, well ... might have gone to that Elton John concert the previous evening. I then trekked (where no sane man has ever gone before) over to the other side of the mall and noticed I was in the hotel again. ... I think it was the same one, too. (Ooo... Twilight Zone...).

Yeah, that place was freaky, and I doubt I'll ever go back there again. The women there were freaky, too. Remind me never to date a woman who was rich during childhood. From what I've seen in Kansas City that Saturday afternoon, it's unhealthy. Rich girls are rarely obese, either. That's what makes it so ironic! (I'm not even talking about that 13-year-old girl ... probably when it gets right down to it, she is one of the sanest rich girls I've ever known.)

I was going to try hanging around there for at least another hour, but I had to leave. I chose to go figure out where this Kemper Arena place is ... and then drive around for an hour wasting gasoline. ... Heck, that was better than staying in that freaky Twilight Zone shopping center!

Strangely enough, that map I received was accurate. (I suspected I might somehow have ended up in Bangkok, considering how that shopping center was.) The outside of the building was really fancy, too. The inside really sucked, but ... that's a rant that'll appear below ... where I start talking about relevant things to the concert.

(Oh! And I forgot to mention that I no longer had to use the bathroom. The shopping center might not have been normal, but at least it had restroom facilities. And I was quite grateful for that.)

And, as I mentioned earlier, I decided to drive around. I also felt like getting something to eat.

If you're ever driving around the Kansas City area, please take this advice: don't trust the road signs. I wanted to go to a crappy (but cheap) restaurant called "Perkins." I got off on the exit the signs said to get off at, but I ended up on another highway. ... On that highway I saw a sign for Wendy's ... and ... ummm ... the image of Dave Thomas's haunting ghost on Wendy's commercials couldn't escape my mind. I found that one okay. The exit ramp didn't lead to a third highway, in all weirdness, like I was secretly suspecting.

Speaking of ghosts, this weird old lady who looks like my grandmother who died of cancer seven years ago sat in front of me at Wendy's. How's that for more weirdness? I hadn't realized before how strange Kansas City can be! Geez, Louise! (...wait... who's Louise?)

Well, sure enough and thankfully, it was about time to start heading over to the concert. ... I ... uh ... parked the car ... and ... um ... went inside.

I walked around a bunch in the stadium to get a first-hand feel for the type of people who would attend a Sarah McLachlan concert. And I was pretty much right: low-key people.

Although, there was a surprisingly high lesbian count there (...or, I should say, short-haired, non-hot women with other short-haired, non-hot women...), there was also, not surprisingly, a lot of young women and their bored boyfriends. Parents and their young daughters. Couples in their 40s. ... In other words, there were very few men there on their own volition. I, being a dude, felt rather embarrassed. I was also disappointed that none of these young women (who were clearly hot and more than 13 years old) weren't hitting on me ... but I supposed they figured there was something wrong with me ... being alone and attending a Sarah McLachlan concert.

Even though Kemper Arena was, structurally, nice, it was easily the worst concert-venue I've ever been to (and that includes that Bob Dylan/Willie Nelson thing I attended in a minor league park). Sarah was singing in the middle of a freaking hockey rink! (Fortunately, they had enough sense to remove the ice before the concert began.) And ... geeeez ... those seats were terrible. A much nicer place would have been the Starlight Theater, where I saw David Bowie last year, but ... eh ... it doesn't matter. I ended up sitting next to one of those attractive young ladies who's tall, thin, looks really smart and pretty and wears glasses. ... She didn't try hitting on me, unfortunately. ... I didn't try hitting on her either because, well, I'm alone and going to a Sarah McLachlan concert. Where else could our relationship go? (... Everything girls say about wanting their men to be "sensitive," which I would evidentially qualify for by attending such a concert alone, is total horse-poop, by the way. I've been this "sensitive" person my entire life, and ... well, I think you know how I turned out ... Women don't want their men to be into Sarah McLachlan. The ideal man has to be into something like professional wresting or Nascar, and they can't even remotely give a crap about anything the girl is interested in! It's true!! All the boyfriends at the concert looked like they'd rather be electrocuting their eyeballs. In other words, they're HOT to women. That's why they have girlfriends! The guys with girlfriends who wanted to be there were only being used for the free concert ticket. They got dumped right after the ride home. ... Me, I don't suspect I looked much like I wanted my eyeballs electrocuted. So, that's why I wasn't exactly fending off the ladies with a stick in Kemper Arena. ... Yeah ... I won't let women lie to me anymore!!! I'm sick of it!!!! I bet that 13-year-old understands.)

The opening act sucked. ... Well, I shouldn't say that. They were boring. But that's no crime, because they were opening for Sarah McLachlan! The band was called "The Perishers." They were rather pleasant to listen to, but they weren't too phenomenal. Apparently, everyone loved them at the concert, because there was this HUGE line to get their new CD autographed after they were through. ... But it's not like they didn't advertise that fact about five times during their performance. ... The lead singer (who is a Crispin Glover look-a-like) even said he was giving away hugs. ... Yeah ... that's yet another reason why none of the girls were hitting on me, I bet. It's not necessarily because I'm a loser. They can get this rock-star, Swedish dude who looks like Crispin Glover to give them hugs. Why would they want to have anything to do with me ... or any other male person on the planet? I'm a dork, but I'm not a cute dork like Crispin Glover. I'm more of a disgusting dork ... like that one guy on The Revenge of the Nerds.

I did actually like those guys. They were nice and introspective and stuff. A fitful opening to McLachlan if there ever was one.

And then came the star attraction: intermission. And then after that came another star attraction: Sarah McLachlan! Actually, I was a bit dismayed at myself for not being utterly thrilled to see her at the concert. Maybe that's because I'm not really a fan. I like her music, of course, but not to the point of fandom. (An 8.7 is the highest I ever scored one of her albums.) And she seems to have an awfully difficult time trying to write a catchy melody (...she might have, like, three...). But she was personable and graceful ... and totally hot ... like I thought she would be.

The best part was when the spotlights shone on McLachlan's guitar and ricocheted directly on my face. That was like ... whoahhhhh ... sassy.

Apparently, she had a dreadful cold that evening and was coughed a few times in between songs. When she talked to the audience (and she did A LOT, fortunately ... that's sometimes the best thing about going to concerts), she sounded all congested and stuff. She was sipping a giant mug, every once in awhile, which contained something like coffee or tea or soup or ... Jolt Cola ... Yet, she sang beautifully. You could tell she had a cold, but it was still a good show.

The only song I was really anxious to hear was "Possession." The only reason I really wanted to hear it was because I made a mix CD and it opens with that song. ... I was worried she wasn't ever going to sing it, but sure enough, that was the set closer! ... She also sang songs like "Fallen" and "World on Fire." ... Unfortunately, I can't name all the songs she played, because, as I said, I'm not really a fan, and I don't know her stuff by heart. She also sang "Ice Cream," which was one of the few songs I still remembered from reviewing her albums ... because it is so dang TRITE! ... I can't freaking believe people really like that song. I still don't like it. Sarah McLachlan fans are stupid. But hot ... or suspect-lesbians.

Oh, and she also did "Blackbird" by The Beatles. Which reminded me that I forgot to at least make the attempt to get a Paul McCartney ticket for his thing in Omaha. Of course, it's way too late now.

She also mentioned, quite frequently, that all of her songs are about love, except "somebody gets screwed in the end." ... Yeah, that's "my life." And now it's probably even worse, because I came there where all the single girls thought I was a loser. Thank you very much.

She was really fun to listen to. I might not have been able to sing with any of these songs (except for "Possession" ... which I didn't really sing along with), I enjoyed sitting through it. The other people there (except for that drunkening skinny girl who was dancing in front of me on a few occasions) were so polite, too. ... It was such a happy concert full of happy people. Such a pleasant experience.

...Although, it wasn't intense enough! But knew it wasn't going to be going into it. Heck, maybe that's the real reason why I wanted to go to this thing. Just to feel pleased. And I did. But I also felt compelled to listen to a couple David Bowie albums on my long drive back and scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs (and turn my car speakers WAY up and, even worse, damage my eardrums, probably). It also only took me three hours to get back, which ... shouldn't happen. I live in Wichita. ... That's like a four-hour drive. Oh, dear. Good thing the cops were busy doing other things that evening on the Kansas Turnpike. ... Or maybe I was having another Twilight Zone moment.

Sarah McLachlan people should tell me what they think about her concerts here! Yo!!!

bakamp@earthlink.net (beck) received May 30, 2005

I did a search to find a review on the Sarah show in Pittsburgh that I saw last Wednesday and came upon this review! ?? and I quote! "Sarah McLachlan fans are stupid. But hot ... or suspect-lesbians." isn't that pretty judgmental? I do not consider myself stupid: and have met quite a few intelectuals at Sarah shows! Just because some one like yourself doesn't like a song like Ice Cream doesn't mean the other people that like it are stupid! I could rant: but I am a "sarah nut" and will not! Just a point of thought!