Deport yourself BACK to the Old Country! Uh Oh! There's a Foreigner in My Pants Overall Album Score: 5.0 out of 10 It's not the most impressive debut from this world's favorite public-friendly hard rock outfits, but it'll do. Every song on here is at least solid and polished. But, after the first four songs are through playing, there's no good reason to hang around waiting for the album to finish. This is one of several rock band outfits to emerge in the mid-70's to capitalize on the arena rocker genre, which is a type of easily-digestible hard rock that was custom-cut to be played in giant arenas with screaming fans. Though, since you're probably not at a Foreigner concert (as I wasn't), you've got to play it LOUD! Well ... then again ... I'm just listening to it on my computer speakers. But I turned it on really loud for about 5 seconds. Though, for arena rockers, Foreigner landed rather late on the scene. This album was released in 1977. Boston released its first album in 1976. Journey in 1975. Styx made their arena rock albums starting in 1975, as well. Kiss began in 1974. So ... yeah. Foreigner was just off capitalizing on the mammoth success that these other bands were thriving off of. That said, at least Foreigner is better than Kiss. Quite a bit better, actually. Even though the band only displays limited songwriting capabilities, it is much more tolerable than anything I've heard so far from Kiss. And ... they're even more tolerable than Styx! Foreigner also does rather well with their instruments, which was one of my major complaints of Kiss. Mick Jones is a good guitarist. He makes these songs kick a little bit more than they would have. Thanks a lot, Mick! So ... as evident from this album, I consider Foreigner a mediocre band. They're not good. They're not bad. They are very capable of pleasing me sometimes! But they're also too-frequently capable of making me yawn. You've probably heard the album's two major radio hits on here. They're "Feels Like the First Time" and "Cold as Ice." I know these are radio hits ... the classic-rock radio station that I listen to plays these songs ALL THE TIME. And both of them are entirely worthy of being radio hits. They're both pretty good songs, albeit, they don't have the greatest set of hooks I've ever heard on the planet. Oh well. All in all, Foreigner is NOT a band that I would recommend one ever getting into. However, if you think you deserve a greatest hits compilation by them, then be my guest! Ahhhh ... I shouldn't make general judgments on the band before I listen to some of their other stuff anyway. Oh well. You'll have to wait for that, I guess! Overall Album Score: 5.0 out of 10 (Yeah ... right down the middle! Where songs lack in melodic-skills, they make up for it by either adding an interesting section or by having nice instrumentals or something. Unfortunately, they only manage doing this with half of the songs. The rest are boring!) Average Song Score: 5.6 (There are a few good songs in here! But there are way too many mediocre/boring/bad songs to suit my taste.) Album Tilt: 5.0 (By the time I finish the album, I feel like somebody who's just wasted part of his life. But, a day later, I'll regard the album's hits with limited fondness.) Artist Tilt: 4.5 (It's not an artistic disaster ... I enjoy too much of the band's well-developed instrumental ability for that. But it's no artistic achievement, either.) Track Reviews Feels Like the First Time 8/10 The first song on this album is the second best! Though, notice that there aren't particularly any great hooks in the songs. It, however, works because it has multiple parts to it and each one is interesting. Immediately, we can tell that Foreigner was slated for massive popularity. This song is simple, yet there is enough interesting flashy show-off stuff to keep an audience. And, at least the chorus is memorable. Cold as Ice 9.5/10 Quite clearly, this is the best track of the album. Again, the melody-writing abilities aren't impressive. Though, this is among the best melodies of the album! This song works well in exactly the same way as the last track. There are multiple parts to the song, but each is interesting. The bouncy, almost show-tuney chords going in the background are memorable, and what they do with it is effective. A worthy hit. Starrider 7/10 This is the most diverse song in the album! Though, it's not amazing. It goes back and forth between almost a baroque-pop type thing, and a more thunderous extravaganza. Though, neither of these parts are hardly adequate on the melody-front! Eh ... so everyone can't be Paul McCartney! I struggled with this one between a 7 and a 7.5. I decided to go along with the 7 because the "thunderous" bit has a particularly awful melody. But it was performed well. Headknocker 6.5/10 The beginning of this track has a timing issue. I don't know what it is. There's a moment at the very beginning that just doesn't seem to have started correctly. Well ... the song is more of a cock-rock thing with an interesting enough "interlude" to keep the points above water. But they're pushing it. Other than that, it's just a generic hard rock song with an unmemorable melody. (But the interlude is memorable!) The Damage is Done 4/10 This is precisely where I lose complete interest in the album. It's an awful song that starts very boringly with simple guitar chords and all that. Then, thankfully, more instruments start up ... but it was, for the most part, uninspired. I like bits of the instrumental section of the song in the middle, though. But even that doesn't save the track. I think a "4" is being generous. Long, Long Way From Home 7.5/10 The album's last breath of adequacy. This is a typical Glam-rock song. But *gasp* the chords on the guitars are played to bounce and *gasp* *gasp* the melody is actually pretty catchy. Woman Oh Woman 3/10 What? Now this is sissy rock! This ballad is so awful that we can just taste that sap! Blah! I want generic, put well played, hard rock stuff again. Yuck. I've been forgiving the lyrics up until this point. I'm going to throw up. At War With the World 2.5/10 Okay ... I didn't mean hard rock this bad! This riff is ripped-off. I know it is. I can't think of where it was ripped off - unfortunately, I'm not as observant as some - but I know it was done before! (If I really cared, I would fish through the Led Zeppelin albums.) However, that's not the reason that I'm giving this track a 2. The song is awful! Nothing is interesting anymore! Awful, awful garbage! I'm at war with Foreigners. There's a good guitar solo on here ... it's a shame that it had to be imprisoned within this mess! Okay. I'll raise it a half-point for the solo. That's how nice I am. Fool For You Anyway 4.5/10 Ooooooooo! The sap! Oooooooo! The quite-obviously 70's electric piano! Oooooooo! The song is more interesting than the last two tracks. Ooooooo! The song still sucks! Oooooooo! I'm falling asleep! Oooooooo! One more track to go! I Need You 3.5/10 Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...hhhuhhhhckck?! Oh, good! I'm awake now. Sometimes, rock artists put some of their strongest songs at the end of their albums so that their audience would leave it with a happy smile on their face. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. It's an entirely uninspired, mid-tempoed hard rock song that reeks of Aerosmith. Blah. This is a good sleeping pill, though. Am I correct? Or should I be kicked out by this country's leaders: the Italian mafia? E-mail me here!

All reviews are copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. He wears tight pants. Very tight pants. He can't breathe.