Let's Dance! (And Then I'd Probably Better Get Dressed)

Overall Album Score: 7.7 out of 10

LET'S DANCE!

...put on your red noose and dance with glue

LET'S DANCE!

...to the ground their spraying on the play-dee-oh

LET'S SWAY!

...Florida to vote for the Rep-ub-lic-ans

Oh! And that's just one of the songs on here! Here's another:

I could ex-flake this peeling

WITH MY CHINA GIRL

I feel a speck of influenza

WITHOUT MY LITTLE CHINA GIRL

I hear her flart gleating, proud as gunder! So these cars crashing...

Oh yes! And there's EVEN MORE CLASSICS!

I feel a-tragic like I'm Marlon Brando!

Oh wait, that's the same song.

Here's a different song.

Visions of swastikas in my head!

Okay ... um .. that was the same song, too. Oh well. Forget it.

Alright, seriously folks [turnips], this is David Bowie's sell out record. Sadly, all his wonderful stuff from the 70's is all long-gone and forgotten. Now, he attacks the 80's pop scene with all his might with bleached hair and one heckuva fashion sense! And high quality photography in the liner notes!

And, really, the 80's is when Bowie pretty much came out with much of his best actual SONGS. Unlike most radio stars of the day, their radio contributions are sucky crap. David's is actually pretty good. The single "Let's Dance" became his second (and probably last) #1 hit. "China Girl" and "Modern Love" both hit #10 and #14 in the U.S. respectively. And, this album itself hit #4. It was quite a respectable hit for Bowie, and he had never seen such amazing popularity in his life! Sure Ziggy Stardust put him in the headlines, but the only people who liked Ziggy Stardust were either really weird or British.

And ... why not? "Modern Love," "China Girl," and "Let's Dance" are about as great as 80's pop gets. For some reason, David starts this album off with all three of these doozies, which would make a first-time listener think David Bowie's about to go gung-ho into a WWI no man's land. Unfortunately, he does a quick retreat!

So why do so many Bowie fans reject this album as if it were a washrag containing an unpopular virus? That's probably because the other songs on here, relatively, are crappiful. "Criminal World," a cover, is fairly decent, and so is "Cat People," but compared to the big three, they are very pale. "Ricochet" is a song that is so bad, however, that it makes me long for his old 60's singles.

David Bowie ------- BIG SELL OUT! But at least he's still cool. And he proves that 80's pop music is something you can feel a little bit nostalgic about. I can feel very nostalgic about this one, 'cause this is Bowie's first release after my birth, which will soon be a new dividing point of time.

Overall Album Score: 7.7 out of 10 (It's not a totally worthless cause. There are enough worthwhile songs on here to make this a good-enough album. But David Bowie's major sell-out album is a disappointment. With the presence of a few below-par songs on here, specifically "Ricochet," David's showing on this album the surefire signs of getting himself into a major artistic slump.)

Average Song Score: 8.1 (The good: "China Girl," "Let's Dance," "Modern Love." The bad: "Shake it," "Ricochet," "Without You." The ugly: "Monica Lewinsky.")

Album Tilt: 8.0 (For the joy the first three songs gave me in my life, I shall not hate this album.)

Artist Rating: 7.0 (DAVID BOWIE IS A BLONDE HAIRED, SELF-ELECTED MEGA POP SUPERSTAR SELL OUT! HUH! THAT'S A NICE NEW LOOK FOR YA, EBENEEZER! Although, he did a fair deal of charity work for Iggy Pop with his personal rendition of "China Girl," eh?)

Track Reviews

Modern Love 10/10

I swears! My life can't get any better! That riki-ticki-ticki-tickis of the electric guitar, which helms the song, that pounding drum, and the 80's Synths ... man! This is one wonderful, electric thrill ride! David's tune is excellent here. I just want to dance with it until no tomorrow. And I think I will. Until ... no tomorrow.

China Girl 10plus/10

Hey! This is a classic! Not only is this tune nothin' to be reckoned with, it's got some kind of class! This is the kind of song you'll want to get out at a rich kid's dance party or something. Ohhhh mannnnnnnnn. Not only is this song instantly lovable (...oh, I couldn't get it out of my mind the first time I heard it...), but David Bowie just gives this really great vocal performance here. All sexy-like and restrained. Those of you who hate his plastic soul exercises take note! This is a centerpiece of the whole New Romantic scene.

Let's Dance 10/10

This song takes that 1962 Chris Montez hit and updates it for the 80's. Well ... it's not EXACTLY the same thing, but it has the same title ... and the scaling choral notes are kept. This is a sprawling 7 minute and 30 second song ... and, within the song, Bowie recycles a very catchy melody and infectious beat and dazzles us with some interesting instrumentation and schnazzy work in the studio. For a #1 U.S. hit, it's pretty darn good! (I mean ... it's nothing like that stupid "Up Where We Belong on a Noose" sung by Jennifer "I Wish I Was Beautiful" Warnes and Joe "I Wish I Wasn't A Has-Been" Cocker.) So, among the barrel-scraping #1 hit singles from the U.S. of E., this is TRULY tops. Although "China Girl" is better. But I found it's best not to complain about such things.

Without You 7.5/10

And, if you wouldn't have thought that the concentration of perfect songs wasn't enough to give me a hernia, just wait until you hear ... ... Oh man! What the utter crapola is this? Um ... I'm just going to replay those first three songs, if that's okay with you. Okay. I'm replaying them now. Bye.

Hmm... They're done already. And this is still poodie. I think I'll play them again.

No. That's not helping. I'm getting nowhere. I have a Free Masons meeting in two hours and I haven't yet put the leopard spot decals on my ice bucket. Uh oh. Well, I'd better get to this song, then.

The main problem with "Without You" is that it just doesn't have ELECTRICITY! It's still kind of weird and all, but this wasn't an inspired moment from David at all. TELL ME IT AIN'T SO!!!!

Richochet 3/10

This is David Bowie's worst song since 1967. (Sounds like a sign under a restaurant, doesn't it?) The riff is embarrassingly dumb. The melody is non-existent. And, Bowie apparently couldn't figure out anything better to do with the song, so he played an old sci-fi movie in the background and called it a day. And I'm a-skippingo-this-trackoloyo.

Criminal World 8.5/10

I originally thought this one was another attempt at recreating that super-funky riff of "Fame," but then I learned this one's really a cover. It was originally by a Disco group called the Metros. I haven't heard their song. But David's version is alright. The highlight of the album's second half ... even though it's still a far cry from the first two tracks.

Cat People 8/10

Meeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwww you're late for dinner!

(That's what "Cat People" say.)

Um... I have no beef with this song, really. Bowie gives a spirited performance here, at least. The melody isn't particularly memorable, but it has spirit. ... The spirit of evil cat people, that is. Nice geetar on here, too.

Shake it 7/10

Question: What do you get when you shake a cow? Answer: Murdered by guerilla revolutionaries from PETA.

Uuuuuhhhhhhhh huuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh. Another pretty awful song. It has a great beat, though, so it's enjoyable in a bimbo sort of way. I like bimbos, but ...

Um, David. It's okay, dude. There'll be other albums.

Does Youse Wants Tose Dance-Sah? Please leave some comments here! You ANIMAL!