All Americans have autos. Drive yours back to the main Blondie page! Autoamerican, Such As Ford and Chrysler Overall Album Score: 7.6 out of 10 Blondie. What does that word mean to you? Is it a color? A hair-do? An unbelievable babe of some sort? Is it a place of residence? A breakfast cereal? A small desert rodent who lives in hollowed out cacti next door to a hedgehog named Bill who burrowed under the neighboring rock? To me, Blondie must be a rock band of some sort ... or at least I remember them doing stuff like rock once upon a time. I seem to remember somebody used to do that song "One Way Or My Mother," and I think it was Blondie, but ... it could have been Pink Floyd or somebody. I don't know who the heck these guys are. Space aliens? They land in 1980 RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE and make this really weird album that seems to incorporate everything known to mankind including crazy disco crap, crazy lounge lizard crap, crazy rap crap blap, crazy cinema music crap, crazy ... stuff. That's what leads me to assume these guys are from Texas. Where they do ... um crazy stuff. And they do crazy stuff in England, too. Not to mention the crazy things people do around Detroit ... that American place where they make all them autos. And they make cars in Flint, Michigan, too. But not anymore. Cause Michael Moore moved into that town, and nothing else would fit. (Ohhhh! Ohhhh! I made a funnnnyyyyy!) Even though I am specifically avoiding discussing anything of use in this album review, I'll have you know that I had no idea this was coming! I thought they were doing okay and fine with their pop stuff. Parallel Lines was classic. Eat to the Beat was still good. And now they have to get all weird and unfocused like they were has-beens already. I don't understand this at all. Oh well. These has-beens still have plenty of things to say ... and plenty of notes to play. And Deborah Harry's still got nice legs. That's always a good thing. Not all has-beens have nice legs, though. Take that chicken I ate for breakfast for example... I had to call in sick today! Overall Album Score: 7.6 out of 10 (Blondie is still entirely accessible and sometimes even fun. However, this is a far cry from Parallel Lines.) Average Song Score: 7.9 (Some good songs, some rubbish. Some drood blongs, some blubbish.) Album Tilt: 7.5 (It's not the most gratifying listening experience on the planet, but there are enough good songs on here to make it somewhat worthwhile.) Artist Rating: 7.5 (Blondie really seems to take an artistic nosedive here. Sure, they still give it to us with style and class, but their material is very unfocused. Though, I can't complain that every song sounds the same.) Track Reviews Europa 8/10 Blondie, formerly of New Wave, takes to the studio as if they were Alan Silvestri. But hey! Who could blame them? Everyone wants to write something like they were an important film composer at least once in their life. So what's wrong with that? And, besides, Deborah Harry doesn't even have to sing on it! I would have thought that her voice would have gotten tired by now. At the end, however, we do hear her saying some pretty weird things about an expressway or something. Aliens. Texans. Live it Up 9.5/10 What is Blondie doing a pure Disco song for? I thought they were only doing it when they could come up with something great! Like "Atomic" and "Heart of Glass." Oh well. This song is actually pretty good. And, unlike what you might be thinking, this isn't Disco of the "oh crap get me off the dance floor" variety. It's more of the "it's good and classy, but these losers can eat their own butt" variety. I actually like the song, because it's entertaining and isn't dead on hooks. It's fairly close to being like good Roxy Music disco, I'd say. (And that's a compliment.) Here's Looking At You 8/10 Hey! Who the heck invited Bing #*@&#*$#*$ Crosby? I wanna morah Disco! JERKS! Okay ... I guess if you are going to make a light Jazz-era song, this isn't bad. I suppose. So, play it again, Sam. The Tide is High 10/10 And she spins the wheel! What'll we get to do next? Romantic Era classical? Country western? Do Wop? ... aaaa AND OUR WINNER IS SKA! Ska. It's more like Skaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Blondie doesn't write their own ska song, however. They cover the Paragons hit of the same name. The instrumentation and performances here sound more polished than the original hit ... so I like this version better, inevitably. (I'm not a straight ska/reggae fan, anyway.) And this is really the best song of the whole album. So. Angels on the Balcony 9/10 Now, I wonder what this song is? It's fairly close to what Blondie was up to back in their Plastic Letter days except it has a more layered instrumentation giving it a thicker atmosphere. I like it. The tune isn't bad, either. Go Through It 7.5/10 This doesn't sound like country-western music, but it sounds like even-more exaggerated Spaghetti Western music. It isn't very good. Do the Dark 8/10 Hey! Blondie's finally running out of ideas! We're back to the classy-Disco stuff! ... Heck, man, it's better than listening to "Filet it again, Spam" light Jazz. Not only does this song musically resemble the Roxy Music, the lyrics sound a bit like their "Do the Strand." Rapture 9/10 Hark! Is thiseth a litteth of Funketh I doth heareth? Yeseth! I believeth it is! And theneth, Deborah Harryeth does a little biteth of rappingeth. Yep ... there's a little bit of early rapping on here. However, it's more like the rapping on "West End Girls," and not like she's pretending to be African American or anything. It's pretty good, actually. And it's classy! That's all that matters. It's hard to believe that rap used to be classy. Faces 7/10 Another light-weight Jazzy song? What is up with this album? While it's definitely skillfully done, I can't help but notice that it is boring the living heck out of me. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! T-Birds 6/10 Okay, we're doing the thickly-layered songs that resembles early Blondie. Except this one sucks, too. The melody is awful and there are absolutely no good hooks. Walk Like Me 7/10 Hey! After those two stinkers, anything with a quick beat is cool enough for me. Oh, I wiggle most enthusiastically in my chair ... woohooooo! This one really does sound like early era Blondie, but without all that atmosphere. It also sounds like some Texan came from outer space and abducted the entire band's soul. What we've got here is a once-spirited band as but mere shells of their former selves. Follow Me 6/10 You know how much this sounds like Madonna? ... Okay, not really, but it does sound like something stupid-like that stupid Madonna would do. This is the last song of the entire album ... I don't know what the heck to classify this song as. Stupid garbage, probably. It's an utter mess! Ah well. It's the last song of the album, innit? Oh wait! There's bonus tracks! Oh freaking great. This is a Lerner and Lowe cover from "Camelot." Now I'll probably be getting harassed by Julie Andrews's hitmen. Bonus tracks: (See? I told you there was going to be bonus tracks.) Call Me Hay hay hay! Unlike what most of the record company jerks do, these bonus tracks seem to be an actual BONUS! This is a long, 8-minute version of Blondie's hit song that appeared with Richard Gere's sexy wardrobe on "American Gigolo." I, of course, have not seen that film because Richard Gere only copies me. I would give it a strong 9. (The song, not Richard Gere.) Suzy and Jeffrey This was the B-side to "The Tide is High" single. And it's very good. The only reason it wasn't included on the original LP can only be explained via the right-winged conspiracy. An 8.5, at least. Rapture (Special Disco Mix) "Special Disco Mix" is an oxymoron. Whaaaaahahhahahhahahaaah! It's not any better or worse than the original "Rapture" me doesenth thinksethetheths. Houst Thou Likeths Thisths Reviewths. Leave your commenththths here!

All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He once ate that rubber ball in a computer mouse.