Marc Anthony [is Fried]
Overall Album Score: 6.6 out of 10 Marc Anthony sells out! ("Friends, Roman, countrymen! Lend me your jeers!") ... That's not to say that Marc Anthony hadn't sold himself out FROM THE VERY BEGINNING ... he always did commercially-aimed salsa-something crapfests! However, there is a big difference between his eponymous fourth album Marc Anthony and his previous albums. THERE'S NO SALSA! AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE! Oddly enough, this album was released in 1999, which will be remembered as the year of infamy when all the Latin musicians finally got their comeuppance in the public eye. And, boy, did they ever get in the public eye! And, they made everybody in America vomit their most gruesome vomit. (Um ... mentioning the name "Ricky Martin" should be enough to prove my point.) Nevertheless, Marc Anthony, being a Latin musician or whatever, decided that he needed to have a piece of this Latin-crossover pie and released an album full of not-really-Latin songs. In fact, this is his least Latin album yet! ... That's strange! Anthony, for some reason, decided that Salsa won't cut it, and he needed to replace the spicy'n'tangy salsa for a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's maple syrup. And to that, I say "Pthththth!!!" I prefer ssssssssssssssalsa, baby! There are only, maybe, two salsa songs on here. (I haven't counted, but I'm not to willing to go through the album again and give you a specific number!) However, that doesn't mean that all of the songs on here are awful. By a force unknown to mankind, I decided that a sugary adult-contemporary song on here deserved a track score of a 9.5. There are a few other tracks in here that got 8's, 8.5's, and 9's, but there weren't enough of those to have a profound impact of the overall album score! For every 8, 8.5, and 9 scoring track, there were two similar tracks that scored 6's or 7's. By far, the worst song on here (which is present in all its vomit-inducing glory) "She's Been So Good to Me." The song is such an awful radio-pop number that it makes The Backstreet Boys look like gods of rock. That said, Marc Anthony did write it while the Backstreet Boys couldn't even write a suicide note. Anthony wrote most of these songs, actually ... and that's good! Ricky Martin didn't write any of his songs for his eponymous 1999 Latin crossover piece-of-garbage. Ricky Martin is a putz. Oh well, I need not go further. This is late 90s pop ... that should be warning enough. Overall Album Score: 6.6 out of 10 (Marc Anthony, who suddenly figures out how to speak English, STILL shows signs of being a true artist ... I just don't know why he is so darned determined to become a mega-pop superstar.) Average Song Score: 7.2 (The principle problem with this album is that Marc Anthony over-relies on super-sappy love proclamations --- and this album is too long, anyway! That said, the worst actual track on here is some vomit-inducing crap-thing that sounds like Marc Anthony was being mugged by the Backstreet Boys.) Album Tilt: 6.0 (Sorry ... While I had to give high-ish scores to many of the sugary ballads, I REALLY got sick of them.) Artist Rating: 6.5 (There is just waaaaay too much trend-following here. However, within all the dreck and syrupy ballads ... almost subtly, there lies some beautiful moments.) Track Reviews When I Dream at Night 8.5/10 Wow! This is a pretty good song! ... Anthony had nothing to do with the writing of this, but this adult contemporary/latin crossover piece is not only listenable but surprisingly enjoyable. It's too bad it won't last, though! Am I the Only One 7/10 This is right about the place in this album where I exclaim to myself: Oh crap! I'm listening to late 90s adult contemporary! What's wrong with me? That all said, however, this isn't quite the worst adult contemporary song known to mankind ... it is very sugary and sappy. It's not quite to the point of being vomit-inducing, though. So, this one deserves a mild seven. I Need to Know 8/10 Okay ... here me out a little bit. Given, the instrumentation of this song sound uncharacteristically fake compared to Marc Anthony's old speaky-Spanish days, it is incredibly undisguised late 90's radio pop, and the lyrics of this song (which I can understand now, unfortunately) are real garbage. (...And, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the phrase "baby-girl" is going to be as outdated as "groovy" five or ten years from now...). Nevertheless, even though I already established that the song basically sucks, somehow for no apparent reason under the sun, it manages to work. I blame it on the tango-esque beat. The melody, while it isn't particularly strong, is good enough to serve the song well. ... I must say that in spite of the odds, Marc created a nice one. You Sang to Me 9.5/10 Okay, I promise that all the high-scoring songs will cease soon! Do you think that Marc Anthony can keep this up? Co-written by Marc Anthony, this one simply has an EXCELLENT melody! Now, that doesn't fully make up for Anthony's stubborn resistance to make anything other than commercial-friendly, adult-contemporary pop ... but songs such as this (and the previous track) do prove that Marc Anthony is much more than your average Britney Spears. This song is sentimental and sweet ... yet it's not overly syrupy. Now why couldn't Marc just do that all the time? Heck if I know! My Baby You 8.5/10 It's not dreadful, but this adult contemporary love song is SYRUPY. However, the quality of the melody and the instrumental atmosphere of it is good enough to make the song succeed. (Maybe Marc Anthony ought to have taught Michael Bolton a thing or two ... this is a Bolton-esque pseudo-dramatic love song that is actually listenable.) Another nice one, Marky. If you're really nice to me, I might actually lend you my ears the next time you ask for it. No One 6/10 Oh man ... Marc Anthony lays on the sugar again, but this time it is too boring ... and I am getting suffocated ... by all the syrup ... oh ... How Could I 6/10 Oh man! Oh man! I knew that it couldn't last! See? I told you that, didn't I? This stuff is truly *braggh!* Even Marc Anthony can't escape the draw of mediocrity. The song couldn't have been polished more ... and that is probably the root of the problem. That's Okay 7/10 Oye! Where'd the salsa come from all of the sudden? Did Marky suddenly remember how to do the salsa thang? I don't know! ... I don't care, either! It's quite a bit better than the previous tracks, but this ain't nothing you should consider special or anything. But I did miss all that sexy salsa! Except, he's talking in English. I still think that's weird. I much preferred his made up language. Don't Let Me Leave 7/10 This is another not-quite-repulsive sugary ballad. ... We're a little bit sick of 'em now, aren't we? Yeah ... I thought so. When will this guy grow testicles? Remember Me 6.5/10 Really ... all this Romeo stuff is getting kind of creepy. Did they accidentally circumcise you twice? She's Been So Good to Me 3/10 Oh no!!!!!!!!! BRING BACK THE LOVERBOY CRAP!!!!! PLEASE!!!! I - WANT - IT - BACK! THIS SONG SUCKS! IT REEKS OF EVERYTHING THAT WORSHIPS THE BACKSIDE OF THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!!! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! *Shudders* This is utterly repulsive!!! Love is All 9/10 Um ... whoah! I was expecting something crappy to close this album with! Instead, Marc Anthony sticks his hand in his sack, and manages to pulls together a decent romantic, adult-contemporary piece-of-garbage. It's like every other romantic, adult-contemporary piece-of-garbage on this album, except this one has a good melody and nicely arranged instrumentals. What a surprisingly nice ending! Marc Anthony can manage to create something lovely if he really puts his mind to it, I guess ... the dude needs to put his mind to it more often. (That said, this song is actually a cover.) The Unofficially Dubbed by Don Ignacio as Bonus Tracks: Note: These aren't really bonus tracks ... but I'm not going to score the same songs twice, just because Marc Anthony sings them in a strange language that I'm pretty sure he just made up Dimelo (I Need to Know) Well, if there's one good thing about hearing this song in Spanish, it's that I can't understand those awful lyrics! The "Baby-girl" is completely outta the picture, thank goodness! Como Ella Me Quiere a Mi (She's Been Good to Me) Oh... Like I really need to listen to this stupid Backstreet Boys backside-sniffing song again. Ick! Ick! Ick! Ick! Ick! Da La Vuelte 7.5/10 Hmmm... Is this a Gloria Estefan song? The hottie never sang it for herself, anyway so I can only assume that she wrote it for Marc Anthony. (Actually, I'm only assuming that this was written by Gloria Estefan ... For all I know, it might have been written by somebody named Pablo Estefan.) It's one of those songs that makes me reminisce of nachos and cheap cheese dip. It's not bad. Dime commentitoes, por favor. E-mailio mi here-o. |
All reviews are copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. He no speakoes Eengleesh. He speakoes Francais!
