Amar Sin My Butt
Overall Album Score: 7.4 out of 10 ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, CIRCUS CLOWNS, LEND ME YOUR CASH! (Lend, of course, in the more modern sense where I won't pay you back.) ...Marc Anthony wants you to go to the CD store and purchase his new album!!!! Why, does Marc Anthony want you to do this? Because he SINGS on here and he put his NAME on it, and some record company PUT IT ON THE SHELVES for you to PURCHASE with your hard-earned CASH ... so other people can have your CASH, and ... uh. I don't know. I'm really tired, though. There's not a huuuuuuge change in the grand ole Marc Anthony discography with the advent of this album, except this contains almost exclusively pukey romantic songs and no salsa! ... Although, this isn't as bad as I made it come off as. A few of these romantic ballads really manage to kick with great melodies, good pop arrangements, and ... well ... you know that Marc Anthony is a good singer. He wouldn't be allowed to cut albums otherwise (maybe)! ... He also got married to J-Lo, who is a complete BABE. (I didn't really need to point that out. That's pretty common knowledge. But I do want to emphasize the fact that I'm not gay. So, the reason I give this romantic-song album a relatively respectable score of a 7.4 is not because I'm gay. It's because the songs are good. Relatively speaking. Again, J-Lo is hot.) It's also valid to point out that Anthony didn't write a LICK of these songs. These are entirely written by OTHER PEOPLE. ... And, such a principle serves him well. There is only one really bad song on here. And that is the title track. ... If you're going to name your album from an arbitrary song from your track list (that's in a funny foreign language), then you had might as well make it A GOOD ONE. ... Seriously, I think whoever was ultimately responsible for naming this album had serious mental problems. ... If Marc Anthony himself was responsible, however, I can understand. He just got married to J-Lo. I wouldn't be thinking clearly, either. I can't believe she went out with Ben Affleck. Ugh! Overall Album Score: 7.4 out of 10 (Another slightly commendable effort from Marc Anthony. ... Commendably commendable! There are some really nice songs in here that are just ... well ... as good as generic romantic songs sung in a funny language can get, I expect.) Average Song Score: 7.7 (This is very nearly a good set of tunes. This is the third time Marc Anthony achieved such a feat previously in his career. I have full confidence that he will MAKE IT one day!!!! ... Just don't ask advice from your new wife.) Album Tilt: 7.5 (This is not a terrible thing to sit through. Only one song on here absolutely bombs. *PHEW!*) Artist Rating: 7.0 (GENERIC!!!!!! ... But when Anthony gets a hold of a good hook, he'll take it to the mooooon.) Track Reviews Ahora Quien 10/10 Hola! El Marc Anthonyo es actingo likeo a beeggo weempo wit hees estupeedo romanteeco songgo. ... BUT, dudes! Where on earth did this guy come up with such a great melody? ... When this song gets into its chorus, it's just ... dang. I have no freaking idea what this Spanish-speaking freak is talking about, but it sure sounds dramatic. The chorus is just excellent. ... Completely and utterly excellent. ... I guess that off-the-cuff marriage to J-Lo did this guy some good, after all. Escapamos 9/10 You stupid piece of crap Spanish speaking moron from the *I AM NOT REALLY A MAN BECAUSE I SING ROMANTIC SONGS IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE* ... ***I*** have a life duty, as a human being on the planet earth, to defend my status as a MALE. And to defend this status as a MALE, I'm supposed to hate romantic crap sung by men in a different crap language that I remember taking courses in during high school, but I don't remember a lick of. ... Yeah ... Quit making me like these romantic songs. This is as cheesy as the moon, but the melody is absolutely wonderful, and ... oh man! It makes me want to go serenade to someone (a female, preferably). I suppose I had might as well do something constructive, after all. ... Excuse me. Se Esfuma tu Amor 8/10 (Translated: Our fumes of armor.) ... All the songs on this album so far have been GENERIC and DIFFERENT LANGUAGEY, but the melody on this one, unfortunately, doesn't save it. Although, I can't say that I don't enjoy the vocals, which do sound convinced. Valio La Pena 7.5/10 Hmmm... this really doesn't sound much like a romantic song. I think we're getting back to the SALSA baby! (Why, that's the most popular condiment in the U.S. right now.) And ... I DEMAND MORE HOOKS! ... MARC CRAPTHANY! Tu Amor Me Hace Bien 10/10 (Translated: Your Armor Is Smelling Nice) ... Hey! This sounds like a good ole' traditional Latin-thing love song! And the melody is really really really really really really really really good. Indeed, this is so traditional Latin, that I'm not even particularly embarrassed that this is a love song. Oh, this is so wonderful and pleasant. And I still promise that I'm not gay. J-LO IS HOT. Tan Solo Palabras 7/10 (Translated: Tan Lonely Algebra) Just like tan lonely algebra, this song really needs a good kick in the pants with some HOOKS before I could ever really attempt to love this. You see, it's too generic for me to like it otherwise, and without any hooks ... what's the frekrning poooointttttttttttt? Volando Entre Tus Brazos 6/10 This is a slow song that tries to be dramatic and stuff. And it is pretty dramatic, but it's not convincing enough, because the HOOKS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. HOOOOOOOOOOKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! ... This is generic! It's not really boring, but this is still too crappy for a straight guy like me (I promise) to enjoy. Nada Personal 8.5/10 More of this unabashed pop romantic stuff in the wrong language, but this time it has HOOKS in the chorus! Don't you see what hooks will lend to a song? It doesn't even matter that it's mainstream pop generic. If it has a good melody and general good taste in the arrangements (which I never have complaints about in this album), then it's a good song! ... SIMPLE FORMULA!!!!!!! Amar Sin Mentiras 3/10 What the crap is wrong with you? Your vocal performance at the beginning of this song sounds like you sang it sitting on a paint-shaker. ... Oddly enough, even though this is the title track, and you'd normally think that title tracks would be the best songs, this is SLOPPY. The sloppiest song on the album, indeed. This sounds like terrible gospel music. And that organ is just awwwfullllllll. ... The melody repeats way too much, and it wasn't very good to begin with. ... Although, this guy is married to Jennifer Lopez ............ he doesn't do everything wrong. Obviously. Amigo 8/10 This is based on a pretty good hook ... that's repeated a lot ... but that's no biggie. It's a good hook! ........... Uhhhhhh ... It's a crapuvalot better than that title track, certainly! ... Kirkout. E-mail me your freaking comments about this album here. Although, I think you're stupid just to have listened to this. Gay person. |
All reviews are copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. HE IS NOT GAY!!!!!!!
